October 27th, 2009 → 7:38 pm @ Jay // 3 Comments

Where have I been the past few months? Let me tell you…

I am now the proud father of a tiny baby girl named Isabella (pictured). She is so beautiful that I am going to hire a bodyguard to keep the boys away when she reaches her teen years.

She has consumed my heart and much of the time I had available for writing.

To preface this post, I will be the first to admit to the over-glorification of children by parents. I remember in excruciating detail when a co-worker had explained the wonder that is “parenthood”.

He claimed that his new-born baby’s diapers didn’t smell, even when he held it to his face and inhaled deeply. He sighed with a longing look on his face. After hearing that story, I had quite a different look on mine. I decided that day that I will not be one of those parents that goes on and on about their children.

Well I am about to break my promise.

Every parent thinks their child is special, and I have joined this vast majority. The truth is, my baby does nothing but cry, poo and pass what I would consider to be military grade gas. That said, she is mine and that is all it took to fall in love with her.

Rather than bore you senseless with tales of unconditional love, I will share with you some uncommon things I have learned about parenthood in the past few months:

• Working from home when you have a baby is just called “being at home”.

• Nappies smell so bad that it makes you laugh. This was surprising to me. It must be the same part of our brains that causes us to find flatulence amusing.

• Babies know exactly where your larynx is located, and will apply firm, Jack Bauer like pressure when you pick them up for burping. Not only does my child poke my voice box with her tiny fists of fury, she also smiles as I try desperately to move my neck to breathe.

• Babies will demand attention just after you cook an omelette. My child refuses to let me eat food until it gets cold. This applies almost exclusively to food that cannot be enjoyed cold. Perhaps she feels a connection with the biology of the egg I’m about to eat.

• 70% of the Earth’s surface is comprised of water and drool.

• Babies know how to “nipple-cripple”. Through magic of tiny human strength, my baby can grab a nipple with one hand and rotate her elbows to inflict painful (but impressive) damage to a feeding mother.

• Babies will sleep through a meteor shower, but will wake up from a creaky floorboard.

• There exists a “Poo Chart” that shows what each color of baby poo represents. Never as a bachelor did I think that I would be in possession of such a thing.

• A colicky baby will make you re-evaluate the word “frustrating”. Once you’ve spent 10+ hours trying to calm a crying baby, you are far more likely to find 90’s Van Damme movies enjoyable.

• Attempting to hug a baby after she has eaten can yield a bib-to-face transfer of vomit. Bibs are far too good at concealing vomit patches, making them ideal traps for your face.

• Babies try Kamikaze pilot manoeuvres with their wobbly heads, especially when you’re holding them with one arm. Babies have their center of mass around their heads, and will test your ability to catch them as they throw your balance off.

• Holding a baby above your head will result in drool hair-gel.
  

  …And finally…

• Babies can pass more gas than Persian wrestlers. In the presence of adults, my child’s flatulence is so loud and pungent that the adults will dismiss a baby as a possible source and blame each other.

I know this is quite a deviation from the usual topics I write about. You may be thinking that all of this talk of flatulence and poo is quite immature. Please understand, this has been my life for the past few months. You wouldn’t blame a friend for talking about Europe if he just spent four months there, would you?

You couldn’t imagine how good it feels to sit down and write again. More than anything, I would love to hear about funny experiences you had while raising a baby. So, let’s hear it…

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Tags: baby, funny, nappies