January 20th, 2008 → 12:12 am @ Jay // 8 Comments

We are often put in a situation where we need to negotiate with, or confront somebody in authority. For most of us, this is our employer, our direct manager, or even a CEO. Confrontation is already an unpleasant situation, and it is often made worse when the other person is in a position of authority over us.

In my time, I have had the opportunity to work with some amazing managers, and others for whom the term “manager” was simply a title for ego. The latter could certainly learn from the first. Unfortunately, we cannot change people very easily. We can only control what we know and equip ourselves with the confidence necessary to negotiate with and confront authority, whether the individual in question is good-natured, or an extravagant egotist.

A Primer

Allow me to break this article up, and relate it from my personal experience. Through this piece, I will detail the technique and combine it with a true story taken from my youth.

Many years ago, I worked for a senior manager who did not acknowledge the existence of lower-level staff. Unfortunately for me, “lower-level staff” is exactly what I was at the time. Everyday myself, and my colleagues, would walk past his desk and greet him. He would not respond at all, not a nod, or a smile. He would not even turn his head from his computer.

This was made worse when we needed to ask him questions vital for completing our work. He often ignored us completely, or made us wait by his desk for minutes in complete silence while he typed away at an e-mail. The experience was similar to games I would play as a child, an adult version of a “silent treatment”.

My colleagues were getting fed up with this behaviour. One left the company altogether. Three others were ready take a proactive approach by planning to file a formal complaint with upper management. I decided to seek the council of a friend who was exceptional at dealing with such matters. His advice:

1. Never go over someone’s head

We often deal with “difficult” people in our lives. Though it is easy to forget that a “difficult person” rarely manifests without difficulty in their own lives. When you are in conflict with another person, take a direct approach.

A conflict is usually made worse if you approach your authority’s boss – especially without the authority knowing. By communicating the issue directly with your authority, you may discover that there is an underlying problem, a family conflict at home or even just a bad day at work. You should only approach your manager’s boss if there is no chance of resolution – after you have tried communicating directly.

My friend continued, “Talk to him directly. He might be unpleasant, but don’t get him in trouble until you approach him first.”

To this I responded, “This man can have me fired in the blink of an eye.”

“Trust me. If you talk to him first, he will be upset with you, but he’ll respect you for it.”

I walked over to his desk and said I needed to talk to him about his behaviour.

2. Confidence

Confidence is king. Remember that you are in a discussion with another human being, a creature with your exact make up. Nature affirms your equality. The job title is a mere fabrication of our society, a smart sounding label that our culture takes too seriously. You will always connect with people more fluidly if you talk on the same level. Do not delude yourself into thinking you are inferior, not now, not ever.

For this section of the story, I will use youth as an excuse for an amazingly bold manoeuvre on my part, and I sincerely recommend that if you enjoy your monthly paycheque – you take a more tactful approach than I do here:

After 20 seconds of standing idly by his desk waiting for a response, I looked around to make sure other employees were not watching. I took a yellow post-it note, wrote down “Need to speak to Jay” on it and gently stuck it to his forehead. I then walked briskly back to my desk (like a child who just broke an expensive vase) almost certain of an upcoming onslaught.

Needless to say he was a little upset. After a few minutes of yelling, I responded: “I’m sorry about that. But, this is the only way I can get your attention.” I suggested we talk in a meeting room.

3. Always talk in a private setting

If your end goal is not to embarrass your employer, you need to discuss matters of concern away from the eyes of other employees. You are instigating this conversation, so you are responsible for ensuring that the other person is comfortable in engaging in discussion.

This is not the time to act like a hero in front of other employees. You should only defend yourself publicly if someone else is attacking you in the same manner. You are the instigator, and as such, you need to establish privacy for the authority.

We sat down. He was still a bit edgy.

“I stuck a post-it on your forehead. Do you know how many managers I have done that to? None. I’ve never had to.”

He responded, “Well its very unprofessional. You are a new recruit in this company, this is not a smart career move.”

4. Diffuse predictable intimidation

When confronted, almost every manager or employer plays their “authority” card. Some do this subtly, others simply shout: “You work for me. I don’t work for you.” This is predictable, and you need emotionally prepare yourself for such comments.

As the person in authority plays this card, you need to diffuse this intimidation by offering an unpleasant alternative. “I understand that you are the authority. It is hard for me, but I would rather speak to you personally than involve senior management, other employees, human resources, or even a lawyer.”

This is an interesting technique that you should add to your communication arsenal. Not only does this diffuse any possible intimidation on the authority’s behalf, it also brings the conversation down to a personal level, rather than boss to subordinate. You are “speaking personally”.

Calmly, I said “That’s fine. The smart thing would have been for me to file a complaint to your direct manager. To detail your attitude towards people you are supposed to be ‘managing’. I decided to put my career ambition aside and talk to you directly. I didn’t want to get you in trouble if we didn’t have to.”

In a friendly, tone I added “I figure you have the right to know before anyone else if there is a problem. People have gone behind my back in the past, and I didn’t want to do the same to you.”

He was quiet for a minute. The weight of what I had said began to sink in. He responded, “Well I appreciate you not going over my head.”

5. Assurance before discipline

This technique is the first part of the classic management tool: “The Sandwich Technique”. The goal here is to reduce the defensiveness of the other person by first mentioning something complimentary, before following it up with the issue that is bothering you.

I moved my seat closer towards him and said “You’re obviously very good at what you do, or you wouldn’t be here. We respect you professionally, but that connection will suffer for as long as you place a low priority on us.”

He said, “I’m just busy, that’s all.”

“We’re all busy. It doesn’t take long to be courteous. You will spend much more time trying to build broken bridges later if this doesn’t change.”

He responded, “That’s fair. I’ll make more time.”

6. Assurance after discipline

Like a formulaic Hollywood movie, you should leave on a good note. Quite often, the issue can be resolved without an attack on someone’s personality. It is important to affirm the quality of the person, and separate this from the problem at hand. This concludes “the Sandwich Technique”. You have successfully created a “Problem Sandwich” with two loafs of “Positive Communication”.

“You seem like a good bloke. If the rest of us had a chance to know you better, we’d all discover that for ourselves. Oh, and sorry for the post-it note.”

7. Feedback and Positive Reinforcement

Without reinforcing good behaviour, we increase the likelihood of a problem re-occurring. A week or so after resolving an issue with your manager or employer, be sure to tell them how things are better, and how much you appreciate their co-operation. We are all creatures of habit, and can easily fall back to unpleasant tendencies. Fortunately, it takes very little encouragement to push us along in the right direction.

A week had passed and my relationship with this manager improved significantly. He was indeed a very good person, only a victim of stress and never-ending pressure from his managers.

I spoke with him regarding the positive changes I had witnessed between himself and other colleagues. By affirming these outcomes with him, it reinforced this positive behaviour.

If there is only a single piece of advice that you part with, it is to treat your employer the way you would want to be treated. Take the opportunity to show the most noble of traits: honesty, directness, understanding and encouragement. I do understand that this is not always possible, and if this is the case for you, you may have no option but to get third parties involved.

Thankfully, the majority of people in authority appreciate this approach and look to improve their connection with staff. With these techniques, I am sure the respect your seniors have for you will flow over from professional to personal.

At the heart of it, personal respect is the single most rewarding gift we can accept from people we work with, as it survives independently of fancy job titles and endures beyond the borders of authority.

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Tags: communication, conflict, directness, employer, manager, negotiate, people skills, popular, resolution, top